Letting Go
by the ticking clock
Summary: Damon's thoughts as Rose dies. One-shot.


"Come on," she says, playful, teasing. "I'll race you to the trees."

He looks up at her. "Well, you'll lose." If only this were real...this...he felt so blessedly human here. With the warm sun and the horses and the feel of her in his arms, the laughter and giddiness in her smile. This was the Rose he had only caught glimpses of...the girl who was his friend, not the scared defensive vampire he had met.

She shakes her head, grinning. "I'm older and faster."

And then he does smile, because even if this is only a dream, even if it exists only in their heads, this will be the last time he will see his friend. "Oh you think?" He stands, and she laughs. It is a beautiful laugh-free and unburdened.

The stake is very secure in his hand. His fingers clench around it.

"On the count of three," She whispers, her eyes bright and dancing, face alight with a smile. "One."

He sucks in a deep breath. He can't do this. He doesn't want to do this-

"Two-"

He drives the stake into her heart.

For half a second he cannot believe that it actually happened, but then she stiffens, her skin graying, tightening, and a soft sigh leaves her and-

His eyes burn, and he gasps. It aches, his emotions. It burns and it _hurts. _He wants to say something...maybe goodbye? maybe thank you? but no words come. And Rose can no longer hear him.

So he rests his chin against her hair and lets the emotions tear at him, and the tears to burn down his cheeks until he doesn't want to feel anymore.

OoO

He almost loses control with the sheriff. Almost screams at her, snaps her neck, _something-_

He isn't in control of himself, of his emotions and it scares him. He's a vampire. He's not supposed to _feel-_

So what is this aching burn? This anger, this pain, this _guilt? _What are these emotions?

"Here's your vampire," He forces the words through a tight throat and slams the trunk before he has to see Rose's ashen face.

OoO

Elena almost breaks him.

She's trying to help, she's being so _human, _so kind, and he can't stand it. So he pushes it away, brushes it off, denies that he is upset about Rose, even though the words taste like poison in his mouth. No, he would prefer poison. Than he wouldn't feel this horrible _guilt-_

Elena's arms are around him, and she is hugging him, holding him, just holding on to him, and a part of him wants to hold her back, wrap his arms around her and bury his face in her hair, sob into her shoulder until all the pain goes away-

But he is a vampire. And he shouldn't feel those things. He shouldn't _do _those things.

But he can't stop his lip from trembling, and he can't help but sigh a little when he holds back the tears.

OoO

He's not quite sure how he ends up laying in the middle of the road.

But when that human girl runs up to him, he knows what he has to do, needs to do.

He compels her, freezes her where she stands, watches while she stares at him with such _fear- _

And he does feel. He feels relieved. He can still cause fear. He's a vampire. He's not human, he will never be human. He needs to turn it off, needs to shut off these emotions or he will break down completely. This needs to end. Here. Now.

"I'm not human," he says, and he almost shouts it, spreading his arms wide while Jessica watches with such terror, such delicious fear, "and I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world!" His voice is ragged now, and the tears are burning at his eyes and throat and his grief and guilt are so strong it _aches-_

He has to do this. He needs to kill her. He _wants-_

He doesn't want too...she is so scared, so alone and so-

"You're free to go," He compels, and she runs.

But he can't let her escape. She knows. She's dangerous.

So he chases her, spins her around to face him, and when his fang teeth snap out he doesn't need to think. He sinks them into the soft skin of her neck and _drinks. _

The emotions fade as the blood pounds through his body, invigorating, delicious and fresh and wet-

He pulls away from her once she is dry, gasping. He doesn't feel anything. He doesn't feel anything but numb, and he loves it.

So why does he still...still feel something like sadness? Something that makes him want to tear off and feed and break necks and scream until his anger and pain are gone?

Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and licks the blood from his lips. Leaving the body by the car, he runs off into the night. Maybe the distraction of movement will erase his thoughts/

But he doubts it.

Rose had told him that you could never really turn your emotions off. Now he knew what she meant.

Because he still feels guilty, he still feels sad, and he still feels so _angry. _He can't switch it off. Can't shove it away.

But what frustrates him is that it isn't _enough. _He misses being human, but these emotions aren't like human feelings. They aren't quite passionate enough, they're missing..._something. _

He is not human.

And if he can't be human, he might as well be a monster.

At least that is what he whispers to himself later that night, when he is far away from home and the tears burn his eyes, and he clenches his hands into fists, and cries until the sun comes up.


End file.
